GOSH MID OCTOBER

gosh. i can’t believe it’s mid october already. time has really flew by… school days are gone, which is really hard to believe. i think i’m still slightly in the what am i gonna do with my life phase. i really did have it all planned out, but how often does life go according to plan? though i must say that it does feel very tough especially in hard economic times. it’s not that i really see it of course, but reading it on the headlines everyday of every major newspaper. what a crazy world. i think i’m scared to take responsibility too. say for school, yes i am responsible for my work. but if i do badly oh well its a bad mark. i do well, good for me. but for work, it feels like there’s so many more consequences. ie. get fired. they can’t kick you out of school… though i guess you pay for school while you get paid for doing work. so it’s different. but sometimes, it’s hard not to make mistakes? i always thought i was a detail oriented person. though i guess it really depends on what it is. on things i really do care about, yes. details are important. but on work where i really don’t like it… AHHHH

it makes me so mad. this guy beside me at work always gives me these shitty tasks to do. fuck. it is not part of my job, yet i can’t say no cuz it COULD be part of my job, but not really at the same time. what does he think i am? some data inputer? omg. i did not go thru 4 years of university just to input data. but fuck. i didn’t do 4 years of univ to do what i’m doing right now either… i know i should keep applying. but it’s so hard. lazy, excuses, pushing it off… and i think i’m pretty good at distractions and not thinking about it.

nowadays, i think a lot about what i really want to do. i know i want to make a difference. i want to do extraordinary things. what is extraordinary? i really don’t know. but i know i don’t want to be the average joe. thus, i decided on my career path in university. however, that has not worked out the way i planned it. if i work really hard, keep pushing at it, when i do get it, then what? is it as extraordinary as i imagined it to be? i guess not really. do i open a store? that is a huge risk. i’m not much of a risk taker, so better off to be a salary worker. doing what? such a good question. maybe i should go back to school and do another 4 years of undergrad… but then i’d be old. and that would be very very sad. i don’t think i’d quite fit in anymore. strange

growing up is so hard. weirder part is, ever since i started working i’ve been only shopping for work clothes. my past life of casual clothes seem so far away. they were ME. but nowadays when i look in the store, etc… they just don’t seem right anymore. i feel like such a kid when i wear that stuff. but i’m so young. i SHOULD be wearing those clothes when i can. but the feeling isn’t there. how strange. feels conflicted.

maybe i should go into fashion. i do have a strong interest. except… i don’t think i’m really THAT fashionable. i’m just average. -____-;; though what i really wanna do is pick random people who are dressed funny off the street, and change them into better clothes! lol. but what if i just produce 1000s of clones? i don’t know. but i think it would be so fun. fashion makeover/personal shopper? may not be a stable career… ahh…

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